This is me, almost exactly a year ago. It is a terrible picture, but one of the only few I have of myself from this time period. And I keep it because I want to remind myself how far I've come. I weighed almost 70 more pounds than I do today. I look at this picture and barely recognize myself. I used to think it was because I was heavy. But I realize now that weight is only a number. And it's so easy to quantify things in our lives to the point that we lose sight of what it is that really matters.
I have very few pictures of myself over the last 5 years. I avoided mirrors, cameras, public most days. I didn't like how I looked. But more importantly, I didn't really like the person I was. I was harsh and critical and quick to judge. I thought strength came from being the loudest and harshest person in the room. If I judged others first, I wouldn't have to care what they were saying to judge me. I look back at my immaturity and wonder if I knew then what I know now how much pain I could have saved myself.
During my marriage to my ex-husband, I had very little love for myself and recognize now that because of that, I was incapable of having love for somebody else in a healthy and meaningful way. Clearly our marriage wasn't perfect, because it is now over, but I think back quite often on the role I had to play in that. We communicated through anger most days, each of us lacking the humility to cast aside the glaring differences between us. And in my twisted mind, I too often thought that if only I was thinner than he would love me the way I wanted him to. But I can admittedly say that a more likely contributor to that not happening was the fact that I was so dissatisfied with myself that I spent my time pointing out his flaws on a consistent basis. And I accepted the love I thought I deserved longer than I ever should have, primarily because I thought so little of myself.
I hear so many people say things like "If only I could lose 10lbs than I would be" ....what? Happy? What flawed logic! I speak for myself only, but losing even 70lbs didn't make me happy. It has made me much healthier, yes, but happiness cannot be equated with a number on a scale.
There is something to be said about progression. I don't believe that we should ever stop wanting to improve and progress. But I also feel strongly that progress and goals shouldn't replace accepting and loving ourselves for who we are, at this very moment.
I am able to meet my eyes in the mirror each morning not because I am more pleased with my figure, but because I am more pleased with my character. It didn't take me losing weight or changing jobs or my hair or the state I lived in. I thought all those things would help, but they didn't. So intead I stopped trying to see myself through everybody else's eyes. I stopped equating my worth to my weight. And I stopped comparing myself to the person I thought I should be and started accepting myself for the person I am.
Love is a bit of a catch-22. You have to love yourself to be able to fully love others. But you also have to be loving towards others in order to have genuine love for yourself. Accepting myself for who I was helped me show love to others. Loving other people helped soften me enough to change my character. Changing my character helped me want to improve myself, motivating me to want to be better in all aspects of my life, including my health.
Most importantly, through this process, I learned that my true strength comes from being kind. That's such a simple concept. But it is the absolute truth. I didn't have to wait to be the perfect weight in order to be kind. I didn't have to lose 5lbs or 10lbs or 50lbs to be kind. I just had to smile and do it. And literally, it was life-changing.
Because for years I was afraid that being kind and meek meant I would be walked all over. But I've learned that being kind doesn't make anybody weak. You can speak your mind and have a difference of opinion while still showing kindness to those you disagree with.
I read a quote that we perceive things not how they are, but how we are. And there is truly no ugliness except for hatred and malice, no matter what you weigh.
