I don't think I fully comprehended my bleak faith in humans, as a species, until last night. The surprise on his face when I openly admitted that I'm used to being lied to and have accepted that was more shocking to me than I think he'll ever realize. There was sadness and incredulity in his eyes. A sweet disbelief. He asked if I'd been lied to a lot, to which I responded with a yes. And it made me wonder if the things he'd said to me weren't lies, but truth. Is he a rarity? And why have I waited so long to allow myself to associate with genuine people? Why have I taken lies and half-truths and deceitful motives as an acceptable alternative?
I honestly hadn't really thought about what a damaging effect the present state of reality has done to my trust. If my family has lied, my exhusband has lied, my boyfriends have lied...of course I am suspicious. These aren't little lies, either. They are huge, life-altering, catastrophic lies. And it makes me so angry that they are tainting my ability to believe truth. How do I escape that past and believe fully in a present of honesty? How do I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? How do I stop being so angry at myself for believing lies for so long that I readily accept them without suspicion and yet question the truth?
Can I believe what you are telling me? Because I want to so badly.
